Ladies and Gentlemen, Earthlings and, apparently, our extraterrestrial blogosphere,
This is your one and only, most amazing, spectacularly intelligent, tremendously competent, and astonishingly skilled President addressing you. I've been getting reports, many, many reports, about these so-called alien abductions and, believe it or not, anal probing. It's all over the news, the blogs, the Twitter, you name it. Terrible, terrible stuff. I mean, can't we have a little privacy on this planet?
Let's start with this probing business. Folks, nobody knows more about probes than I do. Nobody. And let me tell you something, these aliens, they've got it all wrong. It's not how we do it down here. In fact, I’ve got the best people working on the best probes. Beautiful, tremendous, made in the USA, top-tier quality probes. We have the best probes, the most tremendous, high-quality, made in the USA probes. We don’t skimp out on quality here. But these aliens, I've got to tell you, they’re doing it all wrong. Wrong! They’re just not up to our standard, nowhere near it. We do it with class, with dignity. These extraterrestrials are just making a mess of things. Just ask anyone.
Here’s a thing that’s been gnawing at my mind – why only Americans? Have you noticed? It's always Americans getting the short end of the probe or actually probably the deep end. Why not the Mexicans, their food has them lubed up for just this case or the Canadians they would just say “Oh sorry”? Honestly are we the only ones on the menu here? I'll tell you why – because we’ve got the best asses on this planet, that's why. The finest derrieres, folks, it’s undeniable. Even the aliens know it.
I can just imagine, they’re out there cruising around in their spaceship saying, "Oh look, an American! Let's probe them. They're the cream of the crop." And I don't see them queuing up for Putin. Now, there’s an idea. Give old Vlad a visit, why don't you? I’m sure he’d love a good probe 'Putin up his rear.' He probably wouldn't know the difference between a probe and his horse saddle. Hell it may come him down.
And what's with this fascination with cows and naked mole rats? What’s the deal there? I've been in the real estate business, I've owned beauty pageants, I've even run a reality TV show, and I know a thing or two about what's attractive. I've got an eye for the good stuff. And believe me, cows and naked mole rats wouldn't even make the cut on ‘The Apprentice’, let alone win any beauty contests.
But here's the thing, folks. We've got the most beautiful people, the best people right here on Earth. I mean, have you seen our Miss Universe contestants? Spectacular! But I don't see any of these big-headed, slimy aliens landing their shiny UFOs to abduct them. No. Instead, they're frolicking in our pastures, abducting Bessie the Cow. It's disgraceful, just disgraceful.
All Joking aside, let's be serious here for a minute, folks. I’m hearing it from all sides. "Mr. President," they tell me, "we can't enjoy a nice, peaceful barbecue without worrying about some slimy alien showing up with their probes." It’s totally ridiculous. Totally. We're Americans. We're a proud nation, and we don't stand for this kind of thing. So, let’s take this alien fiasco as a compliment - a weird, twisted compliment - but a compliment, nonetheless. They're targeting us because we're the best. And we always will be. Now let’s turn this probing issue around, stand strong, and give them aliens a piece of the American spirit!
What we need, a proper strategy to combat the anal probers. We've already started working on our countermeasures, folks. We're training our fantastic military, the very best military in the world - and it's not even close, to resist these disrespectful probes. We have a new special program, Operation 'Not on My Watch,' where we're giving them top-notch training - I mean, the best, the absolute best - to detect and deflect these probes. We’re making a serious investment here. We're talking billions. But safety, your anal safety my friends, it's worth every penny.
I want to send a crystal clear message to all these alien races out there. This is a warning. If you don't quit your disgusting probing hobby, we will not hesitate to take drastic measures. We’ll gear up our most brilliant minds, create the finest, most effective probes you could ever imagine, and we’ll bring the fight to your doorstep. You want to probe? We’ll show you probing. We've got the spirit, we've got the drive, and, most importantly, we’ve got the best, the very best probers in the universe. So consider yourselves warned, extraterrestrials. We mean business.
So here's what we're going to do in the immediate. We're going to build a force field, a tremendous force field. That's right, a big, beautiful, impregnable force field. That not just covers America but the entire planet! And the best part? The aliens are going to pay for it! I've dealt with the toughest negotiators on Earth, believe me, these extraterrestrial freeloaders won’t know what hit them.
These aliens have all these blogs now. 'The Superior Species', 'The True Intentions of Alien Races', the lot. If they spent half as much time on their spacecraft technology as they did blogging, we wouldn’t have so many flying saucers littering our deserts. I mean, really, who hasn't heard of Roswell?
Let me assure you, we’re going to deal with this probing situation. We'll put a stop to these dishonorable abductions. This is our planet, our home, and we won’t stand for it being turned into some sort of extraterrestrial funhouse. America will make Earth safe. That’s a promise straight from your favorite President!
And to all those Glibnorks, Lizardians, Vexilians, and whatever other ridiculous -ians out there, hear me loud and clear. We’re not going to roll out the red carpet for you. You don't come to our beautiful planet and start treating our asses like guinea pigs. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with our new force field. Just remember, the bill's on you.
We’re going to be the best at resisting alien abductions. We’re going to be so good; you’ll get tired of it. You'll say, "Mr. President, we can't handle all this safety!" But I won't listen, because that’s what I do. I make things safer, better, and more terrific. We’re going to Make Earth Great Again. You can bet your bottom dollar on it! That's a promise from your favorite President!
