Greetings, earthlings, and moo-ving beings of the cosmos. It is I, Eridani, the Supreme Leader of the Roswell Greys, the ones who you have vilified with the creation of those unflattering bumper stickers, and the ones who have been the butt (pun intended) of your extraterrestrial jokes. However, I'm here to address an udderly ridiculous situation, one that seems to have spiraled out of control faster than a saucer caught in a wormhole.
I've recently intercepted a rather volatile transmission from a cow - yes, you heard it right, a cow - claiming to be Queen Gabriella of the self-proclaimed Bovine Fleet. I never thought I'd see the day when our actions would stir such a barnstorm among the bovine community.
Your highness, Queen Gabriella, we understand your beef with us. Your declaration of war, laden with threats and ultimatums, has reached our antennas. You call it abduction; we call it research. Surely, you can appreciate the intellectual curiosity that drives our actions. Your subjects have been returned safely, haven't they? A little lighter, perhaps, but otherwise in good health. Your claim that we are the villains in this interstellar drama is a load of bull.
And yet, your message, poetic as it may have been, carried an ominous undertone. You spoke of a weapon, the Ruminator, a weapon of mass destruction conceived in the bovine imagination. While we Roswell Greys aren't easily swayed by fear, the thought of a weapon borne from a creature whose day involves four stomachs and a ton of cud is a bit unsettling.
I must inform you that your threats have not fallen on deaf ears. We're not calf-hearted, nor do we consider ourselves cow-ards. We have faced more significant threats in the cosmos - black holes, rogue comets, and hostile space fungus, to name a few. And we have emerged unscathed, our scientific curiosity undeterred, our spirit undiminished.
Therefore, Queen Gabriella, we hereby respond to your bovine bravado with a warning of our own. Should you decide to launch an attack against us, we shall react, not with violence, but with an act that would strike fear in the hearts of your subjects. We shall assemble an entire fleet, a fleet larger than your cow eyes have ever seen, and visit Earth. We shall collect all your bovine brethren in a mass abduction unlike any witnessed before. Not a single bovine would remain grazing on the green pastures of Earth.
We hope it does not come to this, Your Majesty. Our interests lie in understanding the cosmos, not in cow-tastrophes. We urge you to steer clear of this path of confrontation. Let's not turn this Milky Way into a battleground.
In closing, earthlings, and to our bovine aggressors, let it be known that the Roswell Greys stand resolute. We will not be intimidated by threats, be they from humans, cows, or a fuming chicken who's lost her eggs. We remain committed to our cosmic exploration, and nothing will deter us from our path. So, Queen Gabriella, chew on that cud for a while.
Yours in peace (and mild irritation),
Eridani, Supreme Leader of the Roswell Greys
